The Golden Hedgehog

Once there was a Golden Hedgehog.

He had prickles of gold which glinted in the sun. His fur was also golden, and even his snuffling nose was gold.

He lived in a forest, and, in other respects, he was much like any other hedgehog (other than weighing rather more). He ate a well-balanced diet of slugs, worms, bugs and other yummy creepy crawly things. He slept in a hollow lined with moldy leaves. In winter he would curl up and hibernate, and would emerge in spring, well-rested but hungry, and start searching for slugs.

He was quite easy to spot, even amongst the thick undergrowth of the forest. But still, the hawks and the foxes and the other creatures that hunted in the forest would leave him alone, because, golden or not, his prickles were, well, prickly. The other hedgehogs in the forest did not treat him any differently or pay his golden prickles much mind. Hedgehogs are a very open and accepting lot.

Now one day an Emperor was taking a walk in the forest. He had a large retinue that followed him wherever he went, and fauned on him constantly. He noticed the glint of gold in the bushes and told one of his servants to investigate.

The servant returned. “It appears to be a golden hedgehog, your Eminence,” he said.

“Bring it to me,” said the Emperor. “A golden hedgehog must be lucky. With it I will have great fortune and riches!”

“But, Your Magnificence, you already have great fortune and riches,” said the servant.

“No matter,” said the Emperor, “with a golden hedgehog I will have multitudes of grand palaces and castles!”

“But, Your Awesomeness, you already have multitudes of grand palaces and castles,” said the servant.

“With it, I will rule over the whole land, and all will bend to my will!” said the Emperor.

“But, Your Superlativeness,” said the servant, “you already rule over the whole land, and all do bend to your will.”

“Enough!” cried the Emperor. “The golden hedgehog must be mine! Capture it and bring it to me.”

The servant found a cardboard box, and with the aid of a nice juicy slug as bait, he got the golden hedgehog into the box and followed the Emperor back to the palace. (Of course he poked some air holes in the box first, and lined it with soft leaves.)

When he returned to the palace, the Emperor looked at his crown of gold and jewels, which suddenly seemed dull and ordinary compared  to the wondrous hedgehog. “Destroy that,” he said. “I will have a new hat made, so that I can wear the golden hedgehog as a crown.”

And so it came to pass. The Emperor wore the golden hedgehog as a crown as he ruled. When foreign dignitaries or princes visited, asking for trade, he would sneer at them. “What would we want from your puny land? Does your ruler wear a hedgehog of gold?” he would say.

Unfortunately, like most hedgehogs, the golden hedgehog had fleas. In fact, because they had to bite through the hedgehog’s golden skin, the fleas that lived on it had developed particularly strong and powerful bites.

Soon the Emperor’s head was itching uncontrollably. Then his neck, and his back and chest started to itch. Before long the Emperor’s whole body was itching. He was too proud to take off the hedgehog, or to admit that he had fleas, and so he started to scratch and fidget constantly, even during important meetings and state banquets. Those who saw him thought their emperor must have some grave malady and started to wonder if he was fit to rule.

Worse still, the Emperor was constantly distracted by the itching, and unable to think clearly. When asked to make a decision, he would blurt out the first thing that came into his mind. When the farmers came to tell him their crops were failing, he told them to plant daffodils instead. When the city planners told him the roads needed repair, he said “Dig a tunnel underneath”. When the treasurer told him that merchants weren’t paying their share of taxes, he said “just tax the poor.”

There was discontent throughout the land. Soon enough the muttering turned to protests and the protests to a popular uprising. The Emperor was deposed and forced into exile in New Jersey. He fled the palace wearing only his pajamas, and leaving the golden hedgehog behind. In his place, the people created a new democratically elected parliament, who quickly established mutually beneficial trade agreements with neighboring countries, and built a new social welfare and public education system. The country became prosperous and the people were happy.

With no further attention being paid to it, the golden hedgehog left the palace and spent the rest of its years living in the palace gardens, which soon became unkempt and overgrown, and were home to many particularly tasty slugs.